Jewish Grief Groups

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After ten years my doctor gave me incredible news that I could try for one more baby. The excitement in my home was palpable! On March 20, 2020 we welcomed our first baby boy into this world but it was not in the way that we expected. Avraham Rafael was so beautiful and perfect but sadly he passed away in utero and was stillborn. 

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MY SON I HAD PRAYED FOR 11 YEARS DIED!​

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​I had to make arrangements for his burial instead of his bris we had dreamed of for so long. After an entire pregnancy, labor and delivery, we came home from the hospital with empty arms to face an empty crib. ​We were left to grieve and mourn all alone at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic  - completely alone!

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​The days, weeks and months that followed were beyond unbearable. I suffered severe guilt, depression, flashbacks and nightmares. I wished I could be buried alongside my son as I didn't think it was possible to survive the pain of losing him. I was CERTAIN my life ahead was doomed with grief!

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​As I began to learn how to navigate this new life post-loss, I continuously felt misunderstood, dismissed and judged by most friends and family. Even my own parent told me to "move on" the same day I birthed my son, yes even before the burial took place. Many well-meaning comments or cliché statements came across as hurtful instead of helpful.

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I began seeking help. At first, I found a support group that met twice a month and later worked with my own trauma therapist. It was helpful however, it wasn't enough for me. Private sessions didn't give me the peer support and community I needed, and my heart was bleeding round the clock, not only bi-weekly. I felt that a vital component was missing to helping me heal. 

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Three months after my loss I received incredible miraculous news! I was given the clearance to have one more pregnancy. I was not prepared for a pregnancy loaded with anxiety on top of my already grieving heart. On May 7, 2021 my miracle son Meir Yonasan was born and we were blessed to name him after my father-in-law.

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What I didn't expect was that I wasn't able to experience any joy at all after he was born. In addition to so much sorrow, I was now plagued with severe death anxiety. Each time I held him, I felt like I held my stillborn son. Each time I saw him sleeping I saw my stillborn son. The sound of silence when he slept haunted me. The fear of losing him too would follow me for a long stretch of time. Compounding my grief and trauma, my bones needed medical attention, and I was in and out of frequent doctors visits and daily injections adding to my emotional toll. 

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This wasn't how I wanted to live my life or the mother and wife I wanted to be. I needed help!

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I began searching which led me on a journey to becoming a Grief Educator and Trauma Coach. I learned that what I was experiencing was NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL but most important I learned new skills and tools to help myself out of my own mess. It was hard work, but I plowed through tackling childhood wounds and negative beliefs, anxiety, grief for my son and my health. I pushed my way back to life. Not the life I had before but a new crafted life full of purpose and meaning.

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Joy takes effort after loss. The more I actively added and allowed joy back into my life the more vibrant my life became. I slowly learned to appreciate the beautiful miraculous life I had. My life now in 2024 is nowhere close to doomed; in fact, it is amazing! I still have some moments of grief, but I learned it's simply all the love that came first and I hold that love with pride. I’ve learned to appreciate and have gratitude for even the littlest things, yes even my sad emotions.  

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